No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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