Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
