that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize