I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I AM VODKA MAN
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
