God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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