Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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