your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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