found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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