i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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