I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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