Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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