cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
