dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
