She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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