i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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