I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
