Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
