life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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