I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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