Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
