you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
