Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
