jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
