So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
