Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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