Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
