You just made me feel so damn special
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
