If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
