You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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