the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
