I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
