If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
