you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
