the condom got lost in my hair
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
