Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
