There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
