Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
