Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
