he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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