Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
