I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
try to milk me bitch
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
