some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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