New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
