when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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