so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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