After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
