Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I enjoy the company of your penis
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
