I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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