it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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