Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
