even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
