dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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