I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
PANTIES FOUND
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